Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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