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why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
