I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just want nice things and good sex
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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