dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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