when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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