haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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