I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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