Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
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He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
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I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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