I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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