I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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