hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
sarcasm needs its own font
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
