im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
