get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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