We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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