Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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