the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My life is pants optional.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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