I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
