Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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