So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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