On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
