Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
