his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You ruined the universe
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
