it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
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