what day is it and did you see me today?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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