i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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