I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
dude. I can hear the air.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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