no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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