I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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