i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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