my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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