i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
