I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
