I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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