the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
