Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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