i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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