I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
