Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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