I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
