I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
