I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
