So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
