I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
