I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Randomize
