I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
