Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
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the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
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After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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