Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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