Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
