I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
