Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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