I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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