did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
