you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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