My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
