I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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