Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
