I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize