3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
