I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
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we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
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Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.