The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you are never too drunk for berry picking
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Boobs are out for the taking
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
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